My lover is nearly twice my age – I’m 20, he’s in his late 30s. We met three years ago in a café where I worked at weekends, and I fell for him straight away. He says he’s divorced, but I’ve never been to his place, which makes me suspicious. For the last two years I’ve had my own flat, and he stays a couple of times a week. I can’t complain because he helps with the rent and bills and buys my groceries. Although I was a hopeless cook when I met him, he taught me how to prepare his favourite meals and I feel like I’ve grown up a lot since I’ve known him.
However, he regularly checks my phone and looks on my laptop to see which sites I’ve visited, which I find really annoying. He doesn’t like any of my friends, and although I used to be close to my sister, he detests her, calling her a jealous cow, and says I shouldn’t have anything to do with her.
I’ve read a lot about controlling relationships and the way he acts seems to fit the bill (although I must stress, he isn’t violent). Recently I decided I’d had enough and tried to finish with him, but he started crying and says he loves me too much to let me go. Sex is great and he’s a nice enough person, but I feel the time has come to be with someone of my own age. I just don’t know how to get away from him.
What should I do? UP n ON
Hey UP n ON, sounds like a tricky situation you're in. Age differences in relationships can work out, but when controlling behavior creeps in, that's a red flag.
Your feelings are valid. Feeling suffocated by someone's constant monitoring of your life isn't healthy. It's not just about violence; controlling behavior comes in many forms. Your discomfort with his checking your phone and laptop is a clear sign that boundaries are being crossed.
Relationships should uplift, not isolate you. It's concerning that he's isolating you from your friends and family. That's not cool. Your sister is important to you, and nobody should dictate who you're close to.
Trying to end things and being met with emotional manipulation isn't fair to you either. Love shouldn't be a means of trapping someone in a relationship.
Ending things might feel tough, especially when he's emotionally manipulating you. Have a plan in place: maybe confide in a friend or someone you trust, ensure your safety, and find a safe space to have this conversation. It's not easy, but reclaiming your independence and freedom is crucial.
Remember, you deserve respect, trust, and a healthy relationship that allows you to grow and flourish without feeling stifled. You've recognized the signs; now, taking steps toward a healthier situation is key. You've got this.